Shower Thoughts: Leaked to the Telegraph

This article was brought to you using a combination of Chinese spy balloons and Matt Hancock. Mr Hancock would like to add the following message:

Hey Isabel,

See how you like it…

Isabel Oakeshott walked into her bathroom, opened her toilet and flushed her phone. She wasn’t worried about leaks, Matt Hancock had just been texting her non-stop. She breathed a sigh of relief as the beeps of incoming messages finally stopped. Isabel had known a lot of slimy people in her life. Matt Hancock was the worst. Just knowing he was trying to reach her made Isabel run for the shower.

But some people thought Isabel was just as bad. When Isabel released the infamous Whatsapp messages to the press, she had expected some to be angry and upset. But she had done it for the greater good! Without her, the British people would never have known what scumbags Hancock and Williamson were or the derision the Conservative ministers held for teachers. Nothing else in the media currently could prove that. Isabel had been sure the British public would rejoice at her bravery. At first, they called her an anti-lockdown, far-right, Covid conspiracy theorist. Success! But then they called her a backstabber and a betrayer. She cried all the way to the bank. Although, she cried harder when she had to use the entirety of her new fortune to make a Caesar Salad.

Isabel washed her hair thoroughly. It had to look stellar for when she was in the headlines again. It was only a matter of time. Any day now, a warrant would be put out for her arrest and she’d have to flee in front of all those paparazzi that she definitely didn’t pay to set up camp outside her door. After all, she was effectively the Julian Assange of Coronavirus now. She was dangerous to the government, a voice they didn’t want the public to hear. Surely, they would try to silence her soon. It had been a week already, they really needed to be more efficient with a political live wire like her.

Or maybe that’s why no newspaper had been returning her calls? Isabel had an epiphany. Yes, that must be it. It wasn’t that she was a bad writer, had no credibility, no integrity and was morally bankrupt. They let Martin Bashir continue to work on TV for years. The government must have blacklisted her from all publications.

A weird rumble emerged from somewhere in the bathroom. Isabel turned off the water and searched for the sound. From the u-bend of the toilet, an incessant beeping had resumed. The vibrations were so intense the phone was pushing itself to the surface. Isabel decided to bite the bullet and opened Whatsapp. Through the waterlogged screen, she read the latest message:

Boris Johnson Got an idea for a book, you in?

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