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A Eurovision Shower Sing-A-Long

Hannah Waddingham had a lot of highs in her career. She’d been on the West End. She’d been on a few episodes of Sex Education. She’d starred in Ted Lasso. Hannah had even gotten to yell “SHAME!” at Lena Headey and she walked down the street. Then someone at HBO offered to pay her to do it again! Now, Hannah was about to have the biggest high of them all – she was going to host Eurovision.

Hannah found out about her latest gig when a letter arrived in the post. The outside was ordinary, but the back was sealed with wax and stamped with the unofficial motto of the competition, “In political voting we trust”. On closer inspection, she noticed the stamp did not display the image of the monarch but instead of Graham Norton’s face. When she opened it, there was an explosion of glitter. She was covered head to toe but Hannah didn’t care. After all, the shower was the perfect place to practice the song she would sing while the votes were counted.

Like all the best Eurovision entries, the opening lyrics were completely unironic and showcased a core British belief:

Inside of everyone, there is a drummer

Beating out the sound of freedom…

To hammer home the point, Hannah repeated the keywords several times:

Because when we’re free, we all have freedom

We love freedom, we are free and everyone loves Britain!

Of course, a Eurovision song had to showcase British culture:

Everyone loves Britain because of our British things:

Tea, Gibraltar, Chicken Tikka Masala

She paused. On the day, there would be a pause for a lute and bagpipe duet. It would be upbeat and joyful before it was sharply broken by a change to a minor key, so Hannah could sing the bridge, in which she would play on all the emotions:

Love, joy, sadness, fear, feel it in my heart baby

Anger, excitement, justice, love again, feel it in my soul baby

Now the bridge was out of the way, Hannah paused again. This time there would be a disco beat and dance solo. Hannah tried to recreate the choreography in the shower, but there was limited space and no trapeze. 50% of the dance was lost.

Hannah took a deep breath and steeled herself for the final verse. It needed to be belted so that they could hear her in the dark and dingy slums of Europe. Sure, on the grand scheme of things Birmingham wasn’t that far from Liverpool, but those poor people deserved some light in their lives.

So please vote for us honey

We’ve pumped in a lot of money

That we could have given nurses and teachers

Hoping your love and votes would reach us

So we don’t have to go through the pain

Of getting nul points again!

As she finished the song, a single tear fell down Hannah’s cheek.

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