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Lots of love, Westminster

The BathTime team always work diligently to provide you with the most pressing news. Many of our readers have written in, asking if postal workers are on strike, as none have been seen for a fortnight. After finding no evidence of this, one reporter noticed a slurry of Royal Mail vans coming to and from the Houses of Parliament. A confidential source in the House of Commons mail room came forward to admit that in the lead-up to Valentine’s Day, the entirety of the UK postal services have been overrun with cards and gifts sent to and from MPs, to the point that they have had no time for any other mail. Using the Freedom of Information Act, BathTime has secured access to the contents of these cards:

Dear Angela Raynor,

You look like a movie star… Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct.

From Glen Owen and The Mail on Sunday xx

[Attached to roses] Dear Glen and The Mail on Sunday,

My love for you is like these roses… dying. You’re a bunch of scum – homophobic, racist, misogynistic, absolute pile of banana republic Etonian scum.

From Angela.

Dear Angela,

Love is in the air, perhaps a sorry should be too?

Lots of love,

Lisa Nandy

Dear Lisa,

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

From Angela.

Dear Angela,

Roses are red, it’s all getting a bit tense. If you don’t say sorry, you’re on the back bench.

Your adored Leader of the Opposition,

Keir Starmer

Dear Keir,

I’d wait forever for you… to say something worth listening to.

Love you,

Rishi Sunak

Dear Rishi,

You stole my heart… and my country. Give it back.

XOXO, Nicola Sturgeon.

Dear Rishi,

Come on baby, light my fire. We can’t afford to light it ourselves.

Always yours, the British people.

Dear Britain,

We make the perfect match! Together, there’s nothing we can’t do. You’re stuck with me and I’m never leaving you.

Love, Boris Liz Rishi

RETURN TO SENDER, INCORRECTLY SENT TO 10 DOWNING STREET:

To my darling wife, [Insert name here]

To you, I will always be faithful.

Forever yours, Boris

Dear Neil Parish,

You drive us crazy too.

From your valentine, the Community of United National Tractors.

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