A job. It’s one of those things you know you need at some point, but really don’t want. A bit like a trip to Sainsbury’s or a prostate exam. So, unless you’re spoilt enough to have one lined up at Daddy’s hedge fund (a job that is) I’m guessing pretty much all of you will have experienced the pleasure of the application process at some point in your life. Whether you’ve gone for a summer at Goldman, or a winter picking carrots, you likely will have come across such thought-provoking questions as: ‘Why do you want to work at our company?’ and ‘Tell me about something which you are passionate about?’. Well, funnily enough, Mr Recruiter, the thing I’m probably most passionate about at the moment is how much I fucking hate job applications, and the only reason I’m interviewing with your company is because you’re the only ones who don’t require me to spend my Saturday afternoon finding 15 synonyms for the word ‘motivated’ to include in a bullshit cover letter.
But seriously though. Why do I want to work as an accountant for KPMG? What the fuck do you want me to say? ‘I am passionate about settling the tax affairs of small-to-medium-sized local businesses across the Southwest of England’? ‘I am excited to give up the best years of my life to ensure that B&Q can streamline their finance operations by 0.1 percentage points’? I’m sorry, but if this is true for anybody, that’s an even bigger red flag than wanting to be an accountant in the first place. But I somehow doubt the recruiter would be singing my praises if I answered honestly, i.e.: ‘I need a job to pay for food so I don’t die of starvation’, ‘I need money for rent so I’m not homeless’, ‘I want to rub it in the faces of every cocky first-year economics student I meet’. Oh, just me on that last one?
In any case, there’s something ironic about applying for a job at a company that claims on its website that it values ‘honesty, integrity and respect’, when it seems the entire application process is a test of how well you can bullshit your way through the most fucking dreary questions the clinically depressed HR team sat in their offices in Coventry can come up with (well, who can blame them really). Anyway, all this talk of jobs has reminded me that I really need to get back on the hunt unless I want to find myself working in the Twerton branch of Lidl for the next 5 years, even though I do think my grumpiness and hatred of people would make me a good ‘cultural fit’. Oh, and would you look at that, I’ve just got an email inviting me to take an assessment on the importance of corporate due diligence, how exciting! Better hope their due diligence team isn’t diligent enough to find this.