Somewhere in the heart of the Australian Jungle…
Matt Hancock is in the shower. Or at least, he’s trying to convince himself he’s in the shower. Nobody thinks Mike Tindall, up a tree, pouring water through a coconut counts as a ‘shower’ but it’s the best option available.
It’s day 2 of I’m a Celebrity and Matt really needs a wash. He’s already been made to crawl through an obstacle course, jump off a cliff and eat 27 kangaroo testicles. He thought the kangaroo testicles were a little excessive but according to Ant and Dec, it was what the public wanted. Kangaroo testicles weren’t even an option to vote for, and yet the show had a record number of people calling in to suggest Matt eat one. If he was being truly honest with himself though, Matt quite liked the dish. They were way better than the faeces he’d had to swallow as part of his hazing into the Conservative Party. Matt was really only washing his mouth out for show – he didn’t want Mike, a member of the royal family to think he was a freak.
No, the real reason Matt needed a shower was because he’d defecated in his underwear. That cliff had been awfully high-up. Matt thought he would vomit just thinking about the impending jump off. It had been so terrifying that he was ready to scream “I’m a Celebrity.. Get me out of here!” when out of the corner of his eye, he had seen a spider. In his thrashing to get away from the arachnid, Matt had fallen off the cliff. Catching a glimpse of the fast-approaching water and remembering the tiny spider from before had been too much for Matt’s anus to handle. Before he could say, “my name is Hancock, not Wanksock”, he had done a shit in his pants. He’d spent the last 18 hours clenching his butt cheeks, hoping people would believe the brown trail that followed him was mud.
Matt wasn’t quite sure how he was going to handle the other Bushtucker Trials. He’d heard Olivia Attwood earlier that day complaining to everyone about something called ‘dick sand’. Matt wasn’t sure what this dick sand was, but it sounded truly horrendous.
It’s while contemplating this and furiously scrubbing his butt crack that Matt makes eye contact with Seann Walsh. It’s only day 2, but already there are rumours swirling the campsite that Seann is cheating on yet another girlfriend with a game show colleague. Some suggested Olivia, but she put those rumours to rest by calling Seann ‘muggy’. Matt thought the weather was indeed ‘muggy’ but didn’t know how humid weather related to whether or not someone was having an affair. Matt himself had thought it could be Boy George, but when voicing this, the singer looked at him funny and asked, “Do you really want to hurt me… and my reputation?” before telling him to piss off.
Matt did not in fact want to hurt Boy George. He merely wanted to cover up that it him, Matt Hancock, who was having a ‘consensual workplace romance’ with Seann. Matt couldn’t help it. Those beady eyes, the sub-par humour, the fact that Seann was not Matt’s wife – three things Matt found irresistible. Matt, in short, fell in love.
Not that the Conservative Party could ever know that. Matt was vile, greedy, self-centred and arrogant but he wasn’t stupid. He knew that information would be trotted out the moment the party needed a fall guy. Well, Matt wouldn’t be their fall guy anymore. That’s what this show was for – to prove to the UK and his constituents that Matt Hancock was not the Conservative’s puppet. If he has to eat every kangaroo testicle in Australia to prove it then he would do that. Because that’s what politicians who care about the country do. Not fix the economy, provide housing for all, save the NHS. No. Real politicians eat kangaroo balls.
On that note, Matt finishes with his ‘shower’, thanks Mike for the help and moves to get dressed. But what’s that! Another spider! Screaming, Matt realises that he needs to wash his bum again.