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Shower Thoughts: Showers, Actually

In his living room, Richard Curtis sighs to himself as he turns off the TV. He’s just watched Liz Truss resign as Prime Minister. Turns out she was a quitter, not a fighter after all. Five Prime Ministers in six years, and this one’s premiership was shorter than Kim Kardashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries. The state of disaster the country was now in was too much for Richard to handle, so he headed to the shower.

Closing his eyes under the steady stream of water, Richard starts to think that the best Prime Minister Britain has had in recent years was Hugh Grant in Love Actually. Sure, he didn’t have to deal with Brexit, Covid, Russia invading Ukraine, a growing economic crisis and so on, but faced the greatest challenge of all – Americans. And won! Richard is certain that one speech about David Beckham’s feet would fix all the country’s problems. Pity that Prime Minister is fictional.  

But, as it so happens, Emma Thompson is thinking these exact thoughts as she scrubs behind her ears. So is Bill Nighy as he sings ‘Christmas is All Around’. And Keira Knightley while shampooing her hair. The power of these four people thinking the exact same thoughts in their bathrooms sends a wave of energy through the universe.  

Suddenly, in the bathroom at number 10, ‘Jump’ by the Pointer Sisters starts to play. A bright blue portal opens and out falls a man looking suspiciously like Hugh Grant. Groaning, he picks himself up off the floor and immediately notices a shift in energy. He knows this is not the same shower room in Downing Street he was just in. For starters, love, actually, was not all around. He wonders if Margaret Thatcher ever had this problem. She probably did, the saucy minx! 

“Remember Heathrow airport, remember Heathrow airport” he mutters to himself to calm his nerves. He notices a pile of pink kimonos by the door. Those certainly were not in his version of Downing Street! Throwing one on, he begins investigating. Going through one door, he notices an unusually round man with a suitcase and atrociously scruffy hair climbing through the window. He begins to unpack as a much younger woman with a baby climbs in after him.  

“I told them, Carrie!” the man guffaws, “I told them I’d be back!” 

Quickly, the Hugh Grant doppelganger leaves the room. He trips over something. Looking at what made him stumble, he initially only sees two abnormally large ears. Looking closer, he sees a very tiny man between the ears. Hugh number 2 barely has time to apologise for knocking the tiny man over before he too is running into the bedroom to unpack a suitcase.  

Continuing his investigation, he makes his way to the kitchen. There he finds a woman shouting at the cook for being part of the “tofu-eating wokerati”.  

The cook apologises while crying, “I’m sorry, Suella, but I don’t think you can eat refugees.” 

“But it’s my dream!” screams the woman, as she pulls off a dalmatian fur coat.  

Stumbling out the front door, he blinks at the flashing cameras. It seems word has gotten out that the Prime Minister from Love, Actually has come to save the country. They all want to hear what he has to say, his grand plan for the country. All he can do is ask one question: 

“Who do I have to screw for a cup of tea?” 

The crowd groans. At the back, Krishnan Guru-Murthy wisely keeps his mouth shut.  

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