Obituary: Halloween, Gone but Never Forgotten

Dearly beloved, we’ve gathered here to say our goodbyes to a greatly revered, most hallowed friend: Halloween.  

The life of Halloween is a ghost story shared by many holidays. Halloween started out as the Gaelic festival Samhain. But the holiday transformed, like a werewolf in the moonlight, under the watchful eye of Christianity, into All Hallows’ Eve, a night in which the ghouls come out to play and the Devil can have his way. A phantom shadow of the harvest festival it once was. However, again, much like Christmas and Easter, Christianity did not have a lasting hold on the holiday. Capitalism took over the Christian world, and with it, mutated All Hallows’ Eve into Halloween – a prop used to sell sweets and costumes to willing victims. A truly, terrifyingly, tragic tale.  

But many forget the secret past hidden within this history of Halloween. Much like its February capitalist co-conspirator, Valentine’s Day, Halloween is a holiday celebrating a Christian saint. St Casper-Dracul-Addams, patron saint of pumpkins, apple bobbing and slutty nurses, is a household name. But what many forget is that it was on Halloween when St Casper-Dracul-Addams converted the Satan-loving people of Sleepy Hollow to Christianity by knocking on their doors and blessing them with the ancient proverb, “Trick or Treat”.  

Through all the changes, Halloween has often become the marmite of holidays. Some love the holiday and the chance to walk around the neighbourhood, begging your neighbours for sub-par chocolate. Others hate the capitalist system it represents. Well, the latter group are sure to be pleased as the holiday has died a sudden death, at the hands of Christmas, a non-capitalist holiday that coincidently, hinges on spending money on overpriced items to provide short term gratification. 

Halloween has, unfortunately, passed away. Friends and family first noticed the holiday was missing when Christmas items were filling the shelves in Sainsbury’s as early as August. Many were aghast to find Mince Pies that expired in mid-September occupying the space itchy, gloopy Halloween make-up paste should have been. When a loop of Mariah Carey’s “All I want for Christmas” began playing in early October, rather than the classic “Monster Mash”, we were only left to assume the Ghost of Christmas Future had smothered Halloween in her sleep. Suspicions were confirmed when tiny fragments of Jack-O-Lanterns were found scattered around town. Neighbouring holiday, Bonfire Night, timidly confirmed they had heard the tinkling of jingle bells and what they thought might be the sound of a candy cane colliding with a pumpkin the night before.  

We all continue to mourn the loss of our dear friend. Halloween will be missed deeply… until November 1st. Then it’s Christmas and Halloween can go to hell.  

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