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The Last Last Riposte (n°11)

After 11 editions, 32 complaints, 7 lawsuits and 2 injunctions, The Last Riposte is retiring for good. A big thank you to all those we pissed off along the way ❤️

Summer Ball Line-Up Perfect For 2014

The University of Bath’s summer ball line-up has been announced, much to popular demand. Promising to be the sound of the summer – but not clarifying precisely which one – the event features FIFA 14 headliners Rudimental, Fatboy Slim’s son Woody Cook, and past X-factor contestant Kelsey Gill. Partygoers will be encouraged to perform the Harlem Shake, while an ALS ice-bucket challenge is hosted on the parade. The dress code is exclusively Jack Wills, Superdry, and Hollister. All this and more, for just £49. Let’s hope they’re not Waiting All Night for drinks! 

URB Headlines Fresh In Biggest Show of the Year

Cause for celebration in the Media Hub yesterday as University Radio Bath received their best ever ratings, having broadcast a one-hour special to a braying audience of grocery shoppers. Touted by fans as the definitive “sound of the supermarket”, up to four customers were seen nodding in approval to the dulcet tones of Steven Draper. Unfortunately, his Slip Shod Pod was beset with technical issues, depriving the world of the usual witticisms and wisecracks that have him destined to present Radio Norwich someday. It later transpired that microphones and saliva don’t mix well. 

Privately Educated Eastwood Fresher Orders Ocado Delivery Under Alias

Confusion within the Eastwood block as one fresher sought to evade social suicide by ordering his Waitrose delivery under a false name. Tarquin Huntington-Jones, from Cheshire, prides himself on being a member of the Northern working-class community and thus chose his first-year accommodation accordingly. To blend in with his surroundings, he has since begun listening to Oasis and yelling “Fuck the Tories”, despite his parents being distinguished civil servants. Cementing his place among the common people, he decided to order his weekly shop using a pseudonym so as not to arouse suspicion. Unfortunately, his quail’s eggs, manuka honey and taramasalata were intercepted by his flatmate on the doorstep – leaving no doubt of the perpetrator. 

Exclusive: First Bus Driver Admits He Doesn’t Care If He Gets Thanked

In an earthshattering exclusive, Bath Time has understood that the erstwhile First Bus drivers “could not care less” if students do or do not express gratitude as they trudge off the bus on a grey Monday morning. This comes as devastating news for the myriad of students whom each day make the effort to show their appreciation to these unsung heroes – such techniques include “thanks”, “cheers”, “cheers, mate” and “cheers, drive”. One First Bus employee spoke under the condition of anonymity, telling our reporter: “At the end of the day, the word ‘thanks’ doesn’t pay my wages. I’d much rather prefer a fiver. Fucking freeloaders, the lot of them”. 

Update: The unnamed driver has since installed a tip jar next to the ticket machine. 

Modern Pentathletes No Match for Heavy Artillery

Sadness in the trenches this morning as a regiment of demoralised modern pentathletes reluctantly concluded they could not compete with the demands of modern warfare. Athletes, previously trained in the image of “ideal cavalrymen”, found – to their dismay – that horse-riding and fencing were not transferable skills for the warzones of the 21st century. In light of this news, the UIPM have provided each competitor with a free Thompson submachine gun to use at future events. 

Joseph Wilkins

Joe is our spoof expert and the current Print and Distribution Officer. He exclusively lives off spaghetti hoops, turkey dinosaurs and smiley faces. That tells you all you need to know about him.

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