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The Last Riposte n°10: Battle of the Bands Kills 7, Injures 15

Picture the scene. It’s a drizzly Wednesday afternoon. Some STV bootlicker is confiscating your Carling. A solitary flare is smouldering on the track. Campus TV are filming the wrong end of the football pitch. All is well. That’s right, ladies and gents: it’s Varsity 2022!

Exclusive: Privately educated alumnus likes surprising amount of drill music for a racist

In a surprising switch of personality, one Dulwich-based undergraduate prefers only to speak in the lexicon of Top Boy, despite holding mid-to-right conservative values and sporting a semi-skimmed complexion. By day he sports a Union Jack blazer, by night he “patterns tingz rah bumbaclart“. Ah, the duality of man. 

Virgil Building reverts to original purpose as nuclear bunker

Amid renewed fears of World War Three, Bath University’s Virgil Building has reverted to its initial function as an air-raid shelter. Its pale-faced inhabitants, who have not seen the light of day in months, have been delivered rations of sausage and mash as they fumble around in darkness like mole rats with Macbooks. 

ICYMI: 

  • Battle of the Bands kills 7, injures 15
  • Naïve fresher going “labs” turns up in overalls

Bath Uni Book Reviews: Reader Submissions

Ever since Jane Austen called Bath and its inhabitants “rather too beige“, the city has been a hub of literary heritage. The university, famed for its arts degrees, is no different. Our bibliophiles have compiled an anonymous shortlist of their favourite works. Here are the best: 

  • One Sociology student has submitted Where the Crawdads Sing as their pick, explaining how the only thing they love more than reading books is not reading them. Its beautifully crafted cover will look great on shelf and Story alike; but they are careful not to open and damage its lovely crisp pages. After being told that an additional purchase was necessary to obtain the coveted Toppings tote bag, they grudgingly paid £8.99 for a placemat. 
  • A keen Econ bean believes How to Win Friends and Influence People should win the prize. He told Bath Time: “I love this book. It teaches you how to win people over by relentlessly questioning them until they mistake feigned interest for friendship, before stabbing them in the back. Hah! It sure will help me climb the corporate ladder. Just don’t ask me how I came across a book called “How to Win Friends”. Don’t.”
  • Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life has certainly helped one Sports Science student get out of a rut. Relieved that life’s inexhaustible variety can be reduced down to twelve steps and nothing more complex, the fresher expressed his joy at the way the book has turned his life around. “Unfortunately, I had to skip the first rule, “fix your posture” – as my back is irretrievably curved after years of poor-form squats. But I love the rest. Especially the bit about the dominant and submissive lobsters. God that’s hot.” 

And One Big Loser… 

  • Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea has been panned by one furious politics student. “This is trash!” she decried. “How can an old white man write from the perspective of an old Hispanic man? Cultural appropriation at its finest. Ugh.” She raged at the lack of gender and sexual diversity in the novel, despite it only having three characters – one of whom is a marlin. 

In response to the criticism, the Hemingway estate apologised and has since renamed it The Age-Discriminated Fisherperson of the Sea

On a serious note, The Riposte encourages reading of all styles and genres. Except Ant Middleton’s SAS memoirs. Christ on a bike.

Joseph Wilkins

Joe is our spoof expert and the current Print and Distribution Officer. He exclusively lives off spaghetti hoops, turkey dinosaurs and smiley faces. That tells you all you need to know about him.

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