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The Last Riposte n°9: Summer Ball ticket office releases official statement: “I’M CLAUSTROPHOBIC DARREN!”

Summer Ball ticket office releases official statement: “I’M CLAUSTROPHOBIC DARREN!”

Following Monday afternoon’s dramatic ordeal, the SU’s summer ball committee has released a statement addressing the confusion – putting its panicked blackout down to claustrophobia. At approximately 13:32 on Monday, the website felt hot, flustered, and dizzy, before passing out just as keen customers were securing their tickets. Prior to this, no explanation for their chronic stage fright had been given, though Bath Time understands the office is entering into cognitive behavioural therapy to adequately prepare itself for the daunting Freshers’ Week wristband release that awaits in September. 

Elsewhere, to address ailing ticket sales, Score tickets have been placed in Fresh flapjack bars.

SU Groups Takeover: Shooting Society

Hi, all! Wishing you a warm welcome to ShootingSoc – a great place to meet new friends, have coffee, and blow heads off pheasants. We’re here to answer a few of your questions:

What kind of socials do you guys offer? 

Great question, chap! Our socials include board games, Score nights, and hanging dead crows on Chris Packham’s front door. Something for everyone 😊

What’s your uniform policy like? 

Barbour jackets are mandatory. In summer, T-shirts are fine – we firmly believe in the right to bare arms.

Is anyone welcome to join regardless of ability or background? 

Inclusivity is key: we come from a diverse array of independent schools around the country. We welcome all colours and creeds of Land Rover. 

Well, that’s all we have time for today. I’m off to hunt ducks by the lake. Tally ho, gents!

Monday Night Bridge for Ukraine pledges to be as just as crass as it sounds

The owners of Second Bridge have released an official guarantee that their “MnB for Ukraine” night will be at least as tasteless as its poster promises, if not more so. The club has pledged to donate all door money to the Ukrainian cause, while subtly omitting advance ticket sales and drink revenue from the fund. Its poster, which advertises 99p J-Bombs and 6 Shots for £!0, marks a rare slip of grace and decorum from the usually prestigious institution, long celebrated for its drug-reselling business and spiking culture. 

Agony Aunt: Is it true that Sum[|cos(k)|:0<= k<=n]>2 n/π for all positive integers n?

For the love of God, please stop sending me mathematical analysis questions.

Joseph Wilkins

Joe is our spoof expert and the current Print and Distribution Officer. He exclusively lives off spaghetti hoops, turkey dinosaurs and smiley faces. That tells you all you need to know about him.

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