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The Red Bull Riposte No°8: How to Run a Successful Campaign, by an SU Candidate

You asked, we answered. Refreshing as a Red Bull, The Riposte is back to quench your thirst for quality content. Ice-cold tonic for the intellect. Semester two is tough, troops. If you’re struggling, just pick up a can. Red Bull gives you wings, grins, and election wins. Embrace the impossible. Red Bull. 

How to Run a Successful Campaign, by an SU Officer Candidate

  1. Write a manifesto-themed haiku

Remember, when it comes to improvements, less is more. Tangible, realistic projects are so last year. Why not lobby for a ski lift on Bathwick Hill, or a campus aquarium? All in three lines and seventeen syllables.

  1. Hire a specialist military unit of disciples 

Strength in numbers, right? Even better if they chant your name like an Occult ritual. 

  1. Daub your name on a bedsheet and hang it from the walls

If tie dye is good enough for primary school kids, it’s good enough for politicians. No manifesto pledge is complete without a hint of Wanksy Banksy. 

  1. Compose a nonsensical tagline

Extort for Sport? Who cares? It’s only an election!

  1. Be the only one running 

You’ve reached the final hurdle, the campaign has gone perfectly… Now you can celebrate crushing R.O.N. to bits. Enjoy your Eastwood lodgings – you’ve earned it!

ASMR: Friend Recently Hired as Recruiter Treats You to Surprise Dinner

One of your closest friends, a recent hire of renowned recruiter Pyramid Consulting, has surprised you with dinner and drinks at the Ivy. What a treat! Upon your arrival he shakes your hand (ever the perfect gent) and advises you to please, sit down. Browsing the menu, your eyes flit towards the king prawn starter, but your friend, who knows you so well, advises the whitebait as it “better reflects your skills and competencies”. While swirling noodles round your fork, he praises your “talent” and thinks there’s a “great mutual connection” between you both. Such a tease! He reckons if you invite two other friends along next time, there’s a real opportunity to foster a “chilled-out culture in a fast-paced environment.” Leaving the restaurant after coffee, he schedules a call for when you get home. How nice to have such caring friends!

Fan Mail of the Week: Why I am from London, by a St Albans Resident

As a proud Londoner, I am often asked why my postcode is AL3. I find it somewhat disrespectful the way my contemporaries fail to understand the length and breadth of the Swinging City. Riddle me this, doubters: if I’m not from the Big Smoke, then why do I refer to my friends as “drillas” – despite both my parents being mild-mannered actuaries? 

Admittedly, some of my favourite spots lie away from the hustle and bustle of the Square Mile, away from tourists – like Weybridge and Sevenoaks. You probably wouldn’t have heard of them though. They’re an underground scene at the moment. 

Sitting in the Harpenden branch of Costa, chewing it over, I reflect upon the wise words of Samuel Johnson, who mused: “Rah, when man is tired of London, man is tired of life”. All I can say is I am bloody shattered. 

Oh you’re from Dorchester? Isn’t that the hotel in Landan Town?

In Other News: 

  • Lacrosse Player Spotted Eating Cereal With Stick
  • SU Officer Candidates Unwind With Hot Bath After Long Day Spent Yelling At Students
  • Plug & Tub Pizza Cooked Medium Rare
  • Man Takes Suspiciously Long Poo During Pub Quiz

Joseph Wilkins

Joe is our spoof expert and the current Print and Distribution Officer. He exclusively lives off spaghetti hoops, turkey dinosaurs and smiley faces. That tells you all you need to know about him.

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