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The Last Riposte n°7: The Satire Strikes Back

Though industrial action has ground campus life to a halt, Bath Time’s bin-juice reporters continue their tireless crusade against the system. Here’s this week’s special:

Bath Bowling Society Throw Perfect Game in Solidarity with Academics

The revolutionary mood is spreading like wildfire around campus as SkittleSoc are reported to have bowled twelve consecutive strikes in a show of support for frustrated lecturers. This heart-warming gesture was gratefully received by staff, who feel their cause is finally being heard by the establishment. Unfortunately, one society member was disqualified from the tournament, as his feet were deemed to have crossed the picket line before releasing the ball.

Campus Security Dust Off Riot Gear 

With a spring in their step, several trusted campus defenders gave Bath Time an exclusive look at their dizzying array of crowd control devices, polished and ready to quell chaos on campus. While weighing up between an extendable baton and stun grenade – both of which are funded by students’ tuition fees – part-time PCSO Adam Salter told Bath Time through suppressed glee that crushing insurrection is a part of the job he takes no pleasure in. “Sometimes lecturers get a bit worked up about little trivialities like their futures. As such, we are essential in restoring order within the university.” Holding his pet corgi – brought along in case picketers get overzealous in their pouring of watery-now-cold soup – Salter denied rumours that his hardline attitude was in any way formed by his receding hairline or chronically dissatisfied wife. “All I care about is defending this precious institution”, he declared, while threatening two unruly freshers with a taser bought off Amazon.

Hi Vis Jacket Sales Spike 600% 

Members of the Economics department were spotted gazing longingly out of the 3 East windows as a legion of politics professors sang anti-capitalist carols in the bitter cold. Bemused by this peculiar sight, the economists decided to conduct a study, and the results of which are groundbreaking. Hi Vis jacket sales have rocketed – a particularly unusual phenomenon considering the French election season is over two months away. Despite this unprecedented spike, gilet jaune sales still lag behind Mini Fresh bestsellers of artisan chilli chutney and vegan pork scratchings (RRP £14.99 and £22.99 respectively). 

Lecturers Call Truce With Pension Committee, Mass Football Game Ensues

In a historic display of humanity, the ongoing conflict between university staff and pension trustees has reached an armistice – and reports are circulating that a spontaneous football game has since broken out on the Astros. Laying down their cardboard signs, academics crossed no man’s land and embraced their companions, before exchanging tokens of cigarettes and coffee. After 60 minutes, the lecturers were winning 2-0, before the trustees halved the deficit (as they do so well). Perhaps there is hope for humankind after all.

Bakeaway Staff’s 21-Month Revolt Shows No Sign of Stopping 

Several hospitality workers were spotted picketing beside Fresh this morning, much to the bemusement of this year’s fresher cohort. All first-years have now been informed of Bakeaway’s historic industrial inaction and their impressive record of not serving anyone, ever. Any student suspected of crossing the picket line with patisserie-like products has been summarily booed by protestors – with one Solsbury inhabitant told he was enabling the pastryarchy.

Joseph Wilkins

Joe is our spoof expert and the current Print and Distribution Officer. He exclusively lives off spaghetti hoops, turkey dinosaurs and smiley faces. That tells you all you need to know about him.

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