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The Last Riposte n°6: Impressive Seven Minute Digital Detox in the French Alps

Ski Tripper’s Self-Imposed Social Media Hiatus Lasts Almost Seven Minutes 

Silence on the peaks of Les Deux Alpes last week as a ski trip member stepped back from social media duties for an impressive six minutes and twelve seconds. Breaking their vow with an Instagram broadcast complete with butterfly filter, they sang the praises of the detox, explaining how one must always live in the moment. Needless to say, normal service has resumed for all who crave shaky videos of epilepsy-inducing techno DJs. 

Security Guard’s Luther Marathon Rudely Interrupted by Student Emergency

A disgruntled campus sentry has lodged a formal complaint as his Minstrel-fuelled Luther marathon was curtailed by an inattentive Fresher who had the audacity to require medical assistance. 

Having recently turned his library level 2 office – aka The Fortress – into an 140-inch IMAX venue complete with surround sound, reclining seats, and mini fridge, the guard raged: “I was just getting to the good bit, and you know how bad iPlayer is at pausing things. Look, all I can say is if you have a nut allergy, lay off the pesto pasta”.

Giggling, Red-Eyed Westwood Freshers Just Bloody Love Golf

Bath Time can confirm that a significant portion of dazed Westwood residents spend their time critiquing the tee-off style of fellow Bath Golf Club members, expressing a refined and genteel appreciation for the craft. So eager to hone their own driving skills, several keen caddies are reported to have snuck out under the cover of darkness for extra practice. 

Gym Goer Remains 5’6

Abject melancholy in one Brendon Court bedroom as an STV addict discovered his height has remained constant despite an eternity spent in the gym. “Honestly, I’m exasperated. Why do girls screen me on Tinder like they’re admitting entry on a rollercoaster? It’s so superficial.” Despite his constant wearing of a Gymshark tank top and hot pants, the unfortunate fresher is unable to overcome the wall of celibacy – it’s presumably too high.

We approached one nearby Tinder user for a response. “I’m not shallow; height isn’t everything. I also like boys with second homes in Saint Tropez.

Touch rugby far more tactical” – Touch Rugby Player, Unprompted

As the U1 struggled its way up to Score, a debate of monumental proportions was taking place on the back seats of the upper deck – where a lone touch rugby scrum half proclaimed to an indifferent crowd that the sport is “just like actual rugby”. Proudly showing off his grazed knees, the individual claimed ‘touch footy’ has blessed him with a deeper understanding of the inner subtleties of the game that conventional Rugby Unioners just wouldn’t understand.

In line with his unwavering beliefs, the individual later refused contact with his delivery driver and instead requested his pizza be posted through the letterbox.

Joseph Wilkins

Joe is our spoof expert and the current Print and Distribution Officer. He exclusively lives off spaghetti hoops, turkey dinosaurs and smiley faces. That tells you all you need to know about him.

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