The Last Riposte n°5: Uni Duck in Hot Water Due to Links With Epstein

Trigger warning: Some university students may find these caricatures uncomfortably accurate. The Riposte recommends that affected parties stop being such easy targets.

The Last Riposte’s team wishes everyone a happy ISB! (Or IBS, if you’re a RedBull-guzzling CompSci weapon)

Flight Logs Reveal University Duck Mascot Frequently Flew On Epstein’s Private Jet

The web of celebrity influence that surrounds ex-financier and paedophile Jeffrey Epstein has unravelled today, as numerous famous faces indicted in the sex-trafficking scheme were exposed in court. Flight logs have been unearthed to track the movements of potential criminals; among those named was a member of the royal family, an ex-US president, and the University of Bath’s own duck mascot, Ghislaine Quackswell. As campus authorities surrounded the lake, she proclaimed her innocence to journalists one last time: “It couldn’t possibly have been me. I was at Duckingham Palace that night. What do you mean about the flight records? I only flew to the Caribbean for the warm winters.” 

Christian Union Boy on Tinder Looking For Something Casual, Such As Eternal Divine Covenant 

Single and ready to mingle, one CU lad has advertised in his Tinder bio that he’s looking for “a bit of fun 😉”, which – he hopes – would ideally involve lifelong commitment in the house of the Lord and five kids to boot. Several of his matches were somewhat taken aback by his date suggestion to “meet his parents and get their approval” before embarking on a romantic honeymoon in the villages of Zambia to share the gospel. “No pressure though, haha”, he later reaffirmed. 

Student DJ Very Much a Student DJ

A student DJ is producing exactly the level of quality expected of an amateur MC, in his techno set as chief headliner of a full-capacity kitchen. Lukewarmly received by his peers, the moderate maverick has been compared to David Guetta, having also been asked repeatedly “Where Them Girls At”. One diehard fan gave us his thoughts: “How would I describe his sound? Familiar, I reckon. Yeah, familiar”. 

International Student Accidentally Leases Sham Castle

Disappointment for one international undergraduate who, in an attempt to find second semester accommodation, has put down a non-refundable deposit for Sham, and not Student, Castle. Desiring ready access to a gym, a bike, and a sheltered student experience, they attempted to book the famed private residence by the weir. Instead, they ended up with a ruthless, roofless fortress, sharing digs with several stoned first-years. No matter: for their Canada Goose jacket – or sleeping bag, as it more closely resembles – shall warm them at night.

Rugby Team Enjoy Rare Fully-Clothed Social 

After an initial wobble, members of the university rugby team left their cinema social feeling somewhat liberated, having not once been asked to lather up in butter and impersonate bowling pins. It later transpired, however, that the event in question was a mandatory screening of “Tea and Consent”. Prior to the show, one chemistry-studying hooker thought only sodium chloride was assault.

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