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The Last Riposte n°4: Fresher in Library Thinks Your Exams Don’t Count Either

Fresher in Library Thinks Your Exams Don’t Count Either

The Christian maxim “Love Thy Neighbour” was tested to its limit this afternoon after a quartet of Woodland Court first years joyfully caught up on each other’s Christmases across a desk in the library. Their excited chatter was received with unadulterated joy by adjacent students, who adored hearing about December’s snowfall in Val d’Isère. A couple of politics first-years had even brought a few cans to Level 5, after defeating a formidable A-Level exam season six months ago. Numerous sources have noted understandable discomfort among European students, who feel their “Library’s Loudest Bastards” award is severely under threat. As always, British passive-aggression prevailed, with onlookers shaking their heads in silent, futile contempt.

Cheese and Wine Society Convicted of Lockdown Rule Breach

The University of Bath Wine society had their SU Groups membership revoked this morning, after it emerged they hosted numerous large gatherings between March 2020 and April 2021. Despite claiming meetings were entirely work-related, the society has been exposed for hosting Camembert-fuelled mass orgies in the Fountain Café, while other students were confined to their rooms. Chair Björis Bjöhnson refused to apologise and instead laid blame upon Pizza and Board Games night. His trial continues…

Bath Jets Cheer Put on Spectacle For Tabletop Gaming Society

After adverse weather conditions cancelled the BUCS 2s’ Lacrosse fixture against Cardiff, Bath Jets Cheer found themselves at a loose end and decided to take their talents indoors. The troupe of 97 girls and 3 guys marched into the Plug, determined to give unsuspecting tabletop gamers the night of their lives. What they didn’t anticipate, however, was the allure of the enthralling, engrossing role-play adventure of Dungeons and Dragons, which requires utmost focus throughout. Bemused that their high-octane rendition of WAP was not received with rapturous applause by BoredSoc (surely, BoardSoc? Ed), the performance slowly petered out until all that could be heard was the rolling of dice and the munching of pizza. Not once did our battle-hardened warriors glance up from the arena. One naïve Jetter asked if Monopoly was available, but was received with a cry of “Begone, temptress!

NCS veteran relentlessly headhunted by Big Four Firms

A social science final-year has spent the afternoon turning down offers from some of the world’s biggest companies after it transpired he was an alumni of the revered NCS programme. National Citizen Service is the brainchild of ex-PM David Cameron (also known for his strictly platonic relationship with pork); the scheme nurtures the leaders of tomorrow through residential and volunteering activities. After raising £9.34 for the Alpacas with Dementia Trust, and spending three nights away from his parents without crying, the veteran is now equipped with all the tools to succeed in the boardroom. He said: “This is a paid ad. It was such a CV builder for me, even if I only went cos the girl I fancied did”.

Have you been a victim of NCS? You could be entitled to compensation. 

Casual Inter-Departmental Football Game Ruined by Arrival of BUCS Player

Heartbreak on the football fields this Wednesday, as 11 hungover lads dejectedly observed the arrival of a BUCS player for their opposing team. Bringing his parents along for the occasion, the tryhard donned a headband and proceeded to break IDFC conduct by playing without the crutch of a Lucozade. His zest for life infuriated even his own teammates who were focussed solely on seeing out the 90 minutes without vomiting. To further rub salt in the wounds, he celebrated each goal with a freshly choreographed celebration, and demanded his friend/agent record it all. Though understandably  demoralised, one defeated midfielder comforted himself with the thought that BUCS ‘ballers’ are paid the same per game as him – that is, nothing. 

Wearing Hockey Quarter Zip Not Legal Requirement, SU Clarifies 

Proving that its acronym doesn’t stand for Silent Union after all, the SU has reiterated that hockey players are not enforced by law to wear blue fleeces when on university property; and that breaking the rule would not end in exile – as previously feared. An SU spokesman – who discovered a passion for administration the day after their PwC grad job offer fell through – stated, “We actively encourage our stick sportsmen and women to wash their clothes every once in a while. Several Limetree customers have reported a scent akin to pickled onion Monster Munch.

Urgent update: BUCS hockey player missing – last seen staggering around the astros, naked, muttering “Who am I?

Joseph Wilkins

Joe is our spoof expert and the current Print and Distribution Officer. He exclusively lives off spaghetti hoops, turkey dinosaurs and smiley faces. That tells you all you need to know about him.

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