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The Last Riposte n°2: Lost Sports Performance Student Causes Army Intervention

Following the rip-roaring success of the debut Last Riposte, Bath Time viewing figures have multiplied by 300% and caused a widespread outage for the site. Several disappointed readers were left unfulfilled after being denied access to some of the world’s finest reporting. Amidst the anarchy, however, our Pilsner-Prize winning journalists have returned to satiate the masses with another week of news, reviews, and abuse. Here’s your weekly catch-up in case you missed those headlines:

Lost Sports Performance Student Causes Army Intervention in the “Library”

A team of special-forces campus security have successfully extricated a traumatised sports performance student from level 3 of the library. A previously unknown concept to the course, one daring second-year ventured into unchartered territory in search of a DVD. Alas, the towering bookshelves proved too overstimulating for the poor athlete, who got a nosebleed and fainted. Upon their discovery, security queried whether they should be saved as they weren’t wearing a mask.

After three days recuperating, they finally felt strong enough to break their silence. The unnamed scholar, on for a first after spelling their name correctly on their exam paper, told us, “I won’t be returning anytime soon. The doctors have diagnosed me with PTSD – Post-Traumatic Studying Disorder. I respect Reading as a festival, but surely we don’t need an entire building dedicated to it?”.

Overambitious Politics Student Uses Semicolon Incorrectly 

A first-year politics undergraduate has gone thoroughly overboard with their egregious misuse of the semicolon. Steven Lacker, of Kent, thought he’d mastered the art of colon-ising in prep-school, only to be informed in his feedback that he was grossly mistaken. The marker gave us his thoughts: “His essay was on US foreign policy – and frankly, reading it was far more torturous than anything in Guantanamo Bay. He was sprinkling them around like confetti”. 

Our unlucky subject was given right to appeal his mark of 49. He emailed his personal tutor in fits of rage, sermonising, “I don’t understand; what went wrong. Using overly complex lexical jargon to disguise my hopeless absence of knowledge has worked wonders until now. My English may be poor but I can always converse in Latin instead. Carpey DM and all that”.

U1 Rival Service Announced: ULost, Direct To Bath Spa Campus

First Bus have announced the much heralded, and somewhat delayed, arrival of the new ULost service to Bath Spa. This route is aimed at Spa students who put “Bath Uni” in their Instagram bios. We know who you are. Bath Time approached the board for comment, but they were 23 minutes late to the meeting; and when they arrived, they broke down – in classic First Bus style. 

Score Wins Prize For Best Escape Room In The UK 

Shock at the UK Entertainment Awards last night as Score was awarded the prize for best escape room in the country. As a rather confused bar staff member accepted the trophy, Bath Time grabbed the reactions of some satisfied customers. “So proud of myself. Managed to get out in 7 minutes and 38 seconds, a new PB!” panted one successful participant dressed in a minion outfit. “It’s getting harder every time to escape, so I am keeping hydrated, staying humble and keeping my eyes firmly on the fire exit.” 

When approached for comment, a bouncer standing outside the door appeared on the verge of tears. “Nowadays the job has changed from keeping people out to keeping people in. Really questioning my career choices here – I’ve fallen out of love with beating up young adults”.

The course is characterised by strobe lighting, disorienting music, and dark walkways. The difficulties of the escape room were demonstrated to Bath Time by the number of rugby players that were observed confusedly entering the girls’ toilets.

We approached the Score staff for their side of the story, but they had all been sent home due to overstaffing. Luckily, the Bath Time’s DMs were blown up by hordes of Klass reps offering us the ‘best night of our lives’. Their claim is yet unproven.

Joseph Wilkins

Joe, the spoof expert who created The Last Riposte, was the Print and Distribution Officer (2021/22). He exclusively lives off spaghetti hoops, turkey dinosaurs and smiley faces. That tells you all you need to know about him.

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