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The Last Riposte n°1: Two Weary Final Years Reveal All

Since the last few days haven’t been the easiest, with a threat of an impending lockdown looming over our heads, our lovely Distribution Officer Joe and his friend Ben have decided to compile some amazing (and 100% truthful) headlines to cheer you up!

Oldfield Park Landlord Awarded Nobel Peace Prize for Philanthropy

The UNESCO World Heritage site of Bath was represented last night at the Nobel Peace Prize awards, as local landlord and all-round good guy Peter I. Staker took home the coveted title. Lauded for his kindness and generosity, Staker saw off fierce competition from Marcus Rashford, Malala Yousafzai, and the CU Tea and Toast team, with judges wowed by his rapid six-week response time to a broken boiler in one of his seventeen houses. 

I would just like to thank myself, to be perfectly honest”, he opined. “Thanks to the timely passing of my father, I was able to use the capital freed up to invest in numerous houses around the Oldfield Park estate, which provide me a huge income while making it impossible for locals to sustain living there. Result!” In his acceptance speech, Mr Staker modestly denied comparisons to Jesus, and magnanimously noted that he was “just a normal guy with a massive trust fund”.

When approached by Bath Time for comment, the Nobel Committee stated that they were thrilled for Mr. Staker and cited his continual commitment to remain woefully aloof from his tenants as one of the factors that tipped the balance. When asked what he planned to do with his winnings, Mr Staker playfully joked that he would “donate it to charity.” Heart (not house)-warming stuff.  

Ultimate Frisbee game abandoned due to reports of swear word

The Ultimate Frisbee community was left reeling last night after a game was abandoned due to reports of a player displaying disgraceful conduct on the field. A witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, broke down in tears recalling the incident. “This was not the wholesome activity I was promised when I signed up. As the culprit missed the disc, they uttered an unforgivable expletive and a hush descended onto the pitch. Both sets of teams then walked off in solidarity. There’s no place for blasphemy in the game.” Bath Time approached the Frisbee committee for comment, but they were too busy knitting. The suspect, if found guilty, faces the punishment of bringing homemade baked goods along to the next social. This is the second scandal to have rocked the sport in recent weeks, after one player dared to display a modicum of competitive edge. 

Economics student finds dream placement at company with same moral compass

A second-year economics undergraduate is celebrating his placement offer at the VIP booth in Bridge. Speaking exclusively to BathTime with a Grey Goose bottle in hand, Tarquin Jackson-Walpole quipped: “Rah, I couldn’t believe it took so long. Bless up to the HR team at Goldman Sachs, I really feel like we’re on the same page. Our shared love of making money while relentlessly raising prices for the poorest members of society makes us a match made in heaven. One day I hope to succeed daddy as MD!”. 

The placements team shared his enthusiasm, wishing Walpole Jr. a successful year in the City. “We’re so pleased for him – he’s found a firm whose company culture is just as morally bankrupt as his own. With our robust placement program, we are delighted to be at the forefront of mentoring the next generation of emotionless lizards, crypto bros and all-round terrible men.” 

Goldman declined to comment due to our cheap suits. 

What the duck? Fed-up campus waterfowl has had enough of your shit

Down by the lake a storm is brewing. One thoroughly pissed-off bird has filed an injunction against relentless paparazzi on campus. He says: “It started with the Instagram Stories and just snowballed from there. I can’t even leave my nest to go to work anymore without people snapping me with the hashtag #earlymorningviews. It’s an invasion of privacy to me and my family and I’m sick of being objectified – frankly it’s driving me quackers. Why are you laughing? I’m more than just a pair of breasts.

Bath Time caught one avid snapper in the act, as they deliberated between a Boomerang or a live video. “I understand their position but I am wholly lacking in original thought. This will go nicely on my highlight reel alongside the Royal Crescent, ice-skating, and my pumpkin spice lattes. Sorry got to run – lacrosse social now!

Joseph Wilkins

Joe is our spoof expert and the current Print and Distribution Officer. He exclusively lives off spaghetti hoops, turkey dinosaurs and smiley faces. That tells you all you need to know about him.

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