How COVID-19 will affect our bedroom antics

According to a new set of rules published by the Terrence Higgins Trust, the way we choose to conduct ourselves in the bedroom must significantly change (do I hear a sigh of relief amongst some of you?). Just when we thought the coronavirus couldn’t be any more of a cockblock, it’s come to change the ways we have sex once and for all. 

Condoms on top of a medical face mask

The new guidance state that “masturbation, using sex toys and phone or cam sex are the safest options”, which might be a welcome revelation to the Omegle users out there (let’s face it, that website is used for one thing and one thing only). These are the best ways of having sex due to the lack of close proximity to another human being, as this is the easiest way to catch and spread the virus. Better practise your dirty talk. 

The charity has advised against kissing during sex and has stated that washing hands before and after the deed is required (kinky, right?). If your idea of fun, exciting foreplay doesn’t involve standing over a sink rubbing your hands together for 20 seconds, you’re going to be pretty disappointed, let me assure you. Couples have also been advised not to use positions which require you to be face-to-face with your partner, leaving only a handful of compliant positions at your disposal and much less switching between. 

For those who already sweat profusely in bed, it will come as devastating information to learn that face masks during sex are also suggested by the charity. If you enjoy using accessories in bed, the mighty face mask will have to be added into your arsenal and we will all have to attempt making a clinical face covering seductive and part of the bedroom routine. If you hate your sex face or normally cover your mouth anyway, this may provide a useful addition. 

Plenty of UK universities, in accordance with these published rules, are making a hearty attempt to ban fresher’s from engaging in sexual activities with people they don’t live with and let’s face it, it’s a total shout into the void. With a rule as unenforceable as this (what will they do, install security cameras in each bedroom?), it’s no secret that young fresher’s will not limit their dating pool to those in their own flat. Things could start to get incestuous and there’s already too much of going on anyway, best not to promote it. 

Sex toy and lingerie retailer Ann Summers has experienced a 27 percent increase in sales of sex toys in comparison with figures from last year, so these new set of rules may not be as devastating to some as one might think. For those who are anal about hygiene and face-to-face interactions (pun intended), these rules will be an utter godsend. For the rest of us, good luck and happy coronavirus-friendly romping! 

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