Greece to do Germany’s laundry for a month
Angela Merkel announced on Tuesday 24th that agreement had been reached amongst the Eurozone Leaders in regards to Greece’s reform proposals to extend the bailout period by four months, in exchange for Greece doing all of Germany’s laundry for a whole month.
“We call on the Greek authorities to further develop and broaden the list of reform measures, based on the current arrangement, in close co-ordination with the institutions,” the financial leaders of the Eurozone said in a statement. “But we also really hate ironing, and we wear a lot of shirts, so…” they continued, before trailing off suggestively.
This continues from previous measures imposed by the Eurogroup, which included having to walk Merkel’s Bichon Frisé and take out the rubbish for at least one week.
‘We sort of promised what we thought people wanted to hear? We didn’t really think much of it through, but hey – it worked!’ The recently elected left-wing Syriza party (who promised to ditch austerity and renegotiate the country’s £180bn bailout with the IMF) were forced to admit, along with the Liberal Democrats and every other elected political group, ever.
Ed Miliband makes massive pectoral gains
Ed Miliband has made massive gains recently, with the most up to date reports suggesting he is now polling upwards of 200lb.
His chief strategist claimed that the secret to his successes has been going back to basics. 2 x 5 and 1 x 5+, always lifting heavy, eating at a surplus and, most importantly,
“Squats, squats and more fucking squats”.
In a statement to the press, delivered during a topless photo op in which he deadlifted 100 new born babies, Miliband explained that he believed his new image would dispell worries that he was a weak leader;
“I’m feeling good”, he said, “I’m feeling strong and I’m ready to take this energy on to the campaign trail. The one issue has been the rampant creatine shits, but it’s a small price to pay for getting so god damn swole”.
When asked if he had any messages for his political opponents, he replied;
“Just one. Squat lower, bitches”.
Can anyone actually remember the 1970s?
Increasing portions of the 1970s are becoming historical dark spots, due to the decade’s pervading association with Her Majesty’s Prison Service, warns leading television pioneer Stephen Television of Television Productions.
“Pretty much everything from the 1970s has broken the law at some point in the past and been erased from history like some tracksuit-clad Orwellian fantasy. I don’t even remember what happened back then… There was music, I think, but I think that might just be a hangover from all the acid in the 60s.”
All we can piece together from what patchy information we have about the 70s is that some sausage-factory-like political madness ensued whereby John Wilson went in and a haunted warlord Margaret Thatcher came out.
“I can’t remember anything from that time,” says convicted TV personality Julyan Spiggs, “What happened in Vietnam? Did we win?”
Spiggs now claims that there is no evidence of his career, but he thinks it might have involved either a bear suit or paintbrushes, or all or none of the above, and historians refuse to comment on the events of the decade without a lawyer present.
Renowned pioneer of middle eastern vandalism Tony Blair stated in his memoirs “Where am I going to put all this money??” that the 1970s didn’t really happen, and the calendar was simply shifted forward by ten years so the country could save money on the millenium dome, which makes perfect sense, considering how many corners were cut in its construction.