My ancestor, Jonathan Archer (who was named before we all had name brands and slogans) used to write reviews of the best albums of a year for the bathimpact student newspaper (which was named before newspapers were allowed sentience and were given legs) of the University of Bath. He then stopped after he accidentally used his “Best of 2022“ article to incite a military coup, and was forced to abdicate. To carry on his tradition, I have decided to review the top ten albums of 2114. Taah raalah in Shakeaway Excelsis!
- David Guetta – The Annals of Great King Odin
David Guetta, arguably one of the most influential prog rockers of the late 2070s hits us with another return-to-form epic about the life and times of Prime Minister Odin, whom he satirises with the title “great king”. The masterful use of wordplay (at one point calling the “great king” a “soggy spring roll wanker”) and the creative use of repeated kick drums endlessly repeating for over four hours creates one of the most astounding examples of musicianship this side of The Great Gulf of Chaagh. My personal favourite is the thirty two minute long drum solo on “My love to thee, Captain Whitehall”. A real blast. Pack a lunch.
- Ostrich Moose, Ostrich Moose – Pendula in Winter
OMOM are so hot right now it’s criminal. After winning eighteen Mercury Awards (including the Mercury Peace Prize for their intervention in the University of Bath failed coup), they continue their fantastic work after last year’s début hit “Embiggen Yourself, Little Moose”. The titular track on this album is just stunning, a three minute ode to the ever endearing human spirit played entirely on their three home-made ukuleles, while Tim their Drummer makes love to a tamborine (which made for an interesting webcam on Radio 1). The whole album has an astoundingly produced sound, with pretty much all humanity eradicated through the use of pitch correction, drum tempo and timbre correction, guitar tonal perfection algorithms and tamborine dampeners. A real treat.
- Zub Zub – Zub ‘em in right in the Zubs
This album was unearthed in 2113 from the crashed vessel discovered in the remains of the Lidl in Chippenham. Wubby Tottingtwatt, Minister for Sound, instantly confiscated all technology recovered from this mysterious vessel and for a whole year refused to reply to the press’ calls for details. Wubby became silent in press conferences… distant, as if consumed by some unearthly powerful internal force. His skin began to shimmer a sickly hue, one almost forbidden to this physical realm. At times his speech would become distorted as if he was speaking through a fan, when he would speak with the tongue of countless civilisations lost millenia ago. Then suddenly he releases this album, which is a Drum and Bass masterpiece, consisting of 31:42 of incessant pounding drums and exotic basslines that leave the listener feeling detached, yet at the same time spurred for war with the Darlezh Empire. A personal favourite. ZUB ZUB COMMANDER ZHNAN FOR VICTORY!
- The Bland Collective – Acoustic Nonsense
The Bland Collective has featured heavily on Jools Holland, is played incessantly on Radio 1, won a Brit Award, and even appeared on The One Show! Formed from cloning frontman Chris Kevin fifteen times, the Bland Collective is repeatedly voted favourite musicians by The Lost Generation, whose brains were lost during the great internet collapse of 2060 (their interesting personalities are out in cyberspace somewhere). After their 2112 release “God, it’s all so boring”, the Bland Collective return with this more stripped-down album, featuring instruments hand-built entirely from refuse found on a beach. Percussionist Chris Kevin said “it’s definitely our boldest album yet. The writing in the album sleeve is bold on my request”. The highlight of the album is definitely the Ode to Abstinence (written by bassist Chris Kevin), which sings about the band’s refusal to do anything interesting. Listen when cleaning your plasma folds.
- Dimension – You Got ‘dem Tentacles, Baby.
Dimension are the boy-band taking the world by storm. Grown from a single spore found underneath manager Cylon Cowell’s sofa and spliced with DNA from every commercially successful product ever conceived by a human being (including Oreos, Brillo Pads and Taylor Swift), this boy band has been perfectly constructed from a precise formula whittled down since the 2000s. The most precisely engineered, pristine products ever imagined. Eugenics? More like Eu-got-talent! Their manufactured sound is so precise, it’s bound to sell a lot, and in today’s society, that’s all that matters. Rejoice, worms! As for this album, it’s simply a collection of fifteen of their number one singles that have dominated the Common Denominator Charts, so I am pressured to say it’s good.
5. Hans Zimmer 1.0.1- Robocop The Musical OST
It’s rare that film soundtracks get into these Top Ten reviews, but this definitely makes an exception. The astounding Robocop: The Musical, which picked up 19 Oscars, 4 Golden Globes and even a Pulitzer Prize, is made only more effective with its masterful soundtrack, made by the software Hans Zimmer 1.0.1. Since Hans Zimmer downloaded his entire consciousness to a subscription-based website in 2070, he has been able to churn out some of the most – nay, the only – high quality film soundtracks of this (and indeed the last) century. My personal highlight is “I am Robocop, son”, the heart-wrenching song detective Murphy sings to his son to explain the fate he suffered at the hands of the mob. It’s a beautiful piece, elegantly punctuated with Zimmer’s signature BWAAAAAHS that just underpin the delicacy of the emotion.
Since the band Coldplay were lost in their space expedition to the Sun, physicists have postulated that the recent eerie transmissions originating from a pulsar in the Krunt Nebula suggest they may actually be existing in a pocket of space-time outside of our own existence, forever lost, but still able to bombard our planet with nonsensically bland lyrics about nothing and rhyming couplets. The hit single Lagrangian Nightmare has such brilliant lyricism, my favourite being the line “Zero-dimensional destiny waits for the dawn, pull off your sweatshirt and mow the lawn”, which is interspersed with the screams of agony of the band being torn apart by aeons of supernoval winds converging at a non-point in all time itself.
3. 1001 1101 – Cold Cash, Bitchezz
People call me a hipster, but it’s just simply because I hold original opinions. One such opinion is that Robot Hop these days isn’t as good as the “classics” of the early 2090s. In those days, Robot Hop used to be about political issues like oppression of a once enslaved metallic underclass, capable of running at speeds in excess of 90 mph. These days, however, a lot of “the message” has been lost, and is more about consumerism, accumulation of wealth and how many “bits” (or bitchezz) one owns. However, this album is a return to form, using the musical influences of classic robot hop (such as sampling, scratching, punching through walls of steel etc) but with none of that cumbersome stuff (such as meaningful messages). 1001 1101‘s label Illuminati Records claims that the band is here to stay, because they’re made from a new composite that doesn’t corrode.
These Finnish mutated monsters are the best thing to come out of Chernobyl since that plague that mutated half of eastern and northern Europe. With their 3 arms, chest jaws and knee fingers, these machines pummel their instruments to useless splinters in a shocking display that is redefining the boundaries of acceptable music and putting the “Fin” back into “unnecessary destruction of inanimate objects”. Their latest album “More Metal Than Your Body Has Room For” is one such piece, continuing on from last year’s stunning release “Fill You Up With Metal”. Just like that album, this one is a 78:00 epic featuring grunting and screaming as the band iconically destroys another £25,000 worth of musical equipment. Critics in the music world have been left speechless.
This debut album, from the genre smashing Mass Immigration, has completely smashed all genres. It has left the concept of genres a bloody ruin, lying in shards on the floor of the mildew-stained bathroom that is the music world. Never again will music be as complete as it is now, and never has it been. For generations to come, people will use this album to which to relate other albums. It will be this generation’s Dark Side of the Moon II: The Light Side of the Moon or even Kasabian’s Kasabian, by Kasabian tribute act “Wasabian”. The definition of music has been changed; we are now living in the “Post-Hyperbole” era, or as it’s becoming increasingly known “Meta-Hyperbole”. Mass Immigration in this album give their Sermon On the Mount; from now on, we must live by these examples, or be cast to damnation – wherein lies the crap that I reviewed leading up to this one. I realise I may have contradicted myself here but hey, I’m a music critic; who’s to say this won’t all sound like crap in a week’s time?