The Sun to begin printing balls on Page Three

In a move towards increasing gender equality and representation, David Dinsomor, the editor of The Sun newspaper, has announced that the publication will begin printing pictures of testicles on page three from next week. The move will allow the paper to continue to print boobies, although to compensate for the previous 44 years of boobies the ratio will be two pictures of balls for every picture of boobies. Consequently, the paper argues that in 88 years the ratio of boobies and balls will be balanced and sexism will be fixed forever.

ed ballsThe balls will come from a variety of attractive young men from all walks of British life. Sometimes the balls will be large, and sometimes they will be injected with silicon to make them even larger; sometimes they will be hairy and sometimes they will not. Sometimes the balls will have cold water thrown over them just before the picture is taken to make them look extra taunt. The balls will always be accompanied by a short article about the man who’s balls are being ogled, in which he talks about what he likes to do with his lovely pair of baubles and what his political feelings are, because that makes the objectification go away.

Dylan Sharpe, the publications Head of PR, claimed that the move was primarily intended to “appease those dykey types”, but that it would also appeal to the papers many, many, many male readers. “The thing is”, he said, “Balls have a wonderful universal appeal. It’s a well-known fact that merely a glimpse of a bloke’s dangly bits is enough to send most women into a fervent heat, that’s just science, but the beauty of man stones however is that men find them hilarious too. They can be put on your mate’s forehead when he passes out drunk, in his mouth when he passes out drunk, on his chin when he passes out drunk, they’re so versatile!”

Political commentators have applauded the idea, with George Osborne hailing the “commitment to an equal and free press”. In an interview in The Guardian he said “I think it’s a wonderful idea, both for gender equality and the media, and balls were the perfect choice. There’s no sense of taboo or danger around male nipples, and rightly so, whilst a penis is too threatening. When I see an erect penis I immediately think ‘holy shit, that’s a dick, which could, like, be inside me. A big burly man could strip me down and put that right up inside me…’ but balls, they just remind me of jolly Bullingdon japes”.

Following the announcement Rupert Murdoch tweeted; “Nothing more powerful and majestic than a nice, rounded pair of testicles. Whether it’s a quick, cheeky glance in the changing room or a gigantic high definition image, there’s something entrancing about such a wonderful symbol of manliness”.

Photo credit: Paul Glover

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