Spoof lite

Vice Chancellor to forego pay rise

The Vice Chancellor of the University of Bath, Professor Dame Glynnis M. Breakwell is to forego her proposed pay rise of £19,000, which would take her total salary to £395,000. Instead she is just asking for a single coat, made from 99 Dalmatian puppies, to be presented to her as a symbolic gesture.

101_dalmatiansThe VC, who supports tuition fee rises and, in what is almost certainly a coincidence, is also a director at the Students Loan Company, specified that the dogs in question can be found in a mansion in the Bath countryside, owned by a local songwriter and his wife, with whom she ‘has previous’. She claimed that the family stole the puppies from her with the help of an old sheepdog, a horse and a tabby cat, who she intends to make into a rug, a stew and a purse respectively. It is believed that the puppies and animals escaped from her Bath home by disguising themselves as Labradors, resulting in a comical car chase that unfortunately caused the VC to crash on Bathwick Hill.

In a related story, bathimpact understands that the songwriter in question is being sued by the University for defamation of character in a hit song about the Vice Chancellor.Prince Andrew a ‘pretty alright guy’

Prince Andrew a ‘pretty alright guy’

In the wake of sexual abuse allegations against Prince Andrew, Buckingham Palace has released a statement that reaffirms their belief that the Duke of York is a “pretty alright guy” and that he “would probably never do anything like this”.

Prince_Andrew thorne1983In a two hour presentation that featured an hour of Prince George pictures, a single slide about the allegations, and then an hour of home videos of George and a lovely, pretty, not trapped against her will in any way, pregnant Kate, the palace was firm in its sort of denial. The full statement read; “Sure he looks sort of like a shitty Bond Villain and when he smiles it looks like he’s trying to hide some incredibly depraved thoughts, but he’s actually a pretty alright guy. Yes he wastes millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money to hang out with sex offenders and sell weapons to members of dictatorial regimes, but we’re pretty sure that he would probably never do anything like this. It’s a sad day when the monarchy has to properly comment on anything and resort to more than smoke and mirrors; this is just like that time when we had to sort of deny that we probably didn’t kill you know who”.

David Cameron was also resolute in his support of the monarchy. When questioned by journalists he said, “Do you really think I’m going to argue with her? Do I look like an idiot? She’ll have my head on a spike in the secret Tower of London that definitely doesn’t exist before the week is done.”

These things are still worthy  of your opinion

In the wake of a media storm over Ebola and terrorism, bathimpact would like to take the time to remind you that the following things do still exist and are worthy of your fear and/or outrage and/or opinions. Tweet us @seriousveryseriousnews using #IAmAPersonAndMyOpinionMattersNoMatterHowVacuousStupidorRacistAndIAmFuriousAboutThisThingYouCunts to let us know what we missed! Make sure to use emojis 🙂 😛 ^^

AIDs, cancer, Mondays, dementia, malaria, the suppression of LGBT rights in Russia and pretty much everywhere else, gun crime in America, racist cops, corrupt cops, cops, poverty, drought, famine, female circumcision, the good kind of immigrants, the bad kind of immigrants, clowns, The Daily Mail, Rupert Murdoch, Peter Mandelson, a different kind of cancer, the war on drugs, for profit prisons, Mexican Drug Cartels, the ‘Ndrangheta, restrictive abortion laws in Ireland, Tyler Perry, Adam Sandler, that neighbour you really don’t like who calls the cops when you’re just chilling and trying to have a dank time with your bros, cultural appropriation, puppies that are sad about something, Coldplay, fatties, fat shaming, LADs, that thing my penis does sometimes, wasps, people killing sharks, people killing tigers, people not realising how cool sharks and tigers are, Megan Trainor, the fact you’ll never see Queen live properly, heart disease, student loans, sometimes thinking it’s Friday when really it’s only Wednesday and a third type of cancer.

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