Spoof news: Come on lads, be a good sport!

An area sports team is reportedly angry at the fact that people have been pointing out and challenging them on their behaviour; they are also reportedly unhappy with the idea that actions have consequences. This has been exacerbated by a series of events throughout the country that have led to many sports teams being reprimanded and some even disbanded by the institutions that were in charge of making that decision (haha lawyers).

The specific complaint came after an alleged incident involving words sung to a tune on a mode of transport that is often used to convey students from one part of town up to University. An area paper reported on the incident objectively and used a headline involving a quote from the article. This was felt to be a problem by the team and when it was explained to them that this was how journalism worked they replied, “so’s your face” and gave each other high fives.

Down it Fresher!

One sportsperson, Barny Barnabus the Fifth of the Barnabian Estate, Third Earl of Barnabyshire and President of the Barnabiate Society of Guildford. The Barniest of all the Barnaby’s and The One Barny to rule them all, One Barny to find them, One Barny to bring them all and in his ladness bind them (he just told us to call him ‘Wench Slayer’), had this to say: “Look, everybody knows we do these things and we know we do these things and we all know they’re horrible, but you’re not supposed to point it out! It’s like how my Father Barnaby married his second cousin Barnabette to keep the bloodline pure, it’s frowned upon in some circles of course, but it’s always been that way and we accept it. It’s political correctness gone mad to point out the flaws of existing institutions in the hope of changing them to make society a more accepting and inclusive place for everyone. Besides, it’s just boarding school japes really, like that time Homeless Kev said he was cold when we passed him on the way back from smoking the ganj’ at the boat house, so we set him on fire! You should have seen his face! Priceless! Well, it actually cost Father £40,000 to make the lawsuit go away, but you know what I meant.”

One female sports person had this to say on the incident: “It’s just the kind of thing you come to expect. Like being leered at and catcalled on the street, being paid less for doing the same job, carrying your keys in your fists when you walk home, being patronised every time you have a legitimate issue, being called bossy every time you try to be managerial, being groped in clubs, being groped on the street, being groped in the gym, being called a slut every time you sleep with a guy, being called a bitch or fat every time you turn one down, guys not accepting you turning them down so you have to tell them you have a boyfriend because they only respect you as the property of another man and not your own autonomous person, the threat of rape and assault and that kind of stuff. Just little things like that, you learn to live with it. Also our clothes don’t really have pockets so we have to buy bags.”

The area sports team has still refused to comment to the area paper.

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